Life in 3-D: Dieting – “Food Fight”

This is my new “working title” for my memoir/blog thingy.  “Sporting the Triple D’s” although funny and suggestive, it is not all that dignified and, quite honestly, might attract the wrong demographic.  Besides, the girls get enough attention already.  And I am not really a triple D, anyway.

I am posting this for posterity.  I am posting this to be accountable.  I am posting this so people might get a bit of insight into what food addiction is and to anyone else who has ever felt this way, you are not alone.

So, I started out the day okay.  Actually, had a pretty good food week thanks to my friends of “Southside Chub Club,” and a supportive work friend.  I got a few decent workouts, a nice long walk.   I had lost six pounds feeling great.  I even restricted my grief about my divorce to a single package of m & m’s.  Then about 1:30 pm today, the freaking wheels came off.

Okay, I was set up to fail.  First day of my period, just throw out any good eating plans out the window.  I was feeling crampy, cranky, slightly anemic and needed caffeine, calcium, and red meat.  After popping my third dose of Midol by noon I needed a latte and a burger real bad. 

So I hit the BK with the bf and I should have stopped.  But no.  Then made the bf his favorite, tacos.  Still if I would have stopped there, I would have been okay.  I would say at this point, 6:30 pm, if I would have stopped eating for the day, I would have averaged about and estimated 2000-2200 calories with probably entirely too many fat grams, but okay.  Nope. 

I then went out with a friend.  I guess we were “celebrating” or something my divorce.  Except, I didn’t really feel like celebrating.  I mean, I have moved on and I am better off, blah, blah, blah, but it was still hard.  I know I will want to celebrate in a big way soon (details for “Flame Your Old Flame Night Part II” to come) but not today.  So, we went out and I had two huge margaritas, mozzarella sticks, and French fries.  And a note about the fries:  Absolutely ridiculous portion sizes, okay?  A basket of fries for $2.49 was more like a bushel of fries.  So...I don’t know how many calories I consumed just after 7:30 pm.  NASA computers are still working a number with so many place values. 

Oh my gosh, I almost forgot about the mudslide and the shot of vodka.

Yeah, that is insane.

Am I making too much out of this?  Is this just a bad day?  Was it just a bad day while on a diet?

If I didn’t just describe the “taste” of green is a lemon lime Mr. Misty.  That is way too close of a relationship with food. 

And now, I am anxious…. Seriously anxious, like nervous, worried, a little jittery and nauseous thinking about all the “good times” I am supposed to have this weekend.  Boyfriend is taking me out to this really nice dinner.  Finally, the “pretty dress date” at this cool Argentinean restaurant.  I am already worried about what too order.  Not excited, worried.  Perhaps if I hadn’t consumed 10,000 calories today I could look forward to it like a normal person.  Another happy “event” is the State Fair.  Fucking State Fair.  It was my idea to go to the State Fair and I love it, but all the food.  I know a funnel cake is in my future.  It is evetable.  Perhaps I can just walk and sweat it off in the 100 degree heat.  I might be okay for that day. 

So now, I am already planning how to deal with the caloric overload.  Tomorrow---black coffee and water with lots and lots of walking.  Okay, probably coffee with cream (as usual) some yogurt, salad, and some kind of protein source.  Fasting on my period is a bad idea.  I barely want to move for four days anyway under normal conditions, God help me if I don’t eat too.

No one should feel this emotional over food.  God help me.  Anyone out there flip out over fried food like this?  Who describes the flavor of color?  Really?  People who fail the psych eval for bariatric surgery, that’s who.  Thank God that I got my act together enough to lose enough weight that I no longer qualify because I was too crazy to get the surgery. ***For the record, anyone who has had this surgery, you are brave!  It is NOT the easy way out and I applaud your efforts.  But really, how did you pass that stupid psych eval?  WTF?!?!?! 

So help me out.   Anyone obsess about food like this?  Anyone obsess about the food that you have eaten and the food you haven’t eaten yet but know you are going to anyway?

This is why I know I need to go back to OA (overeaters anonymous) because I will not lose the weight if I still have a relationship with Food and right now that relationship is dysfunctional.  Sure, I can lose the weight for awhile, but I know Food and I will get back together.  It is a love/hate thing.  I also know that food has a numbing affect on my emotions and I have been feeling so many feelings (good and bad) that I want to shut them off and I do that with Food. I just need to be brave enough to feel those feelings, not the fat grams. (Capitalizing “Food” making it a proper noun is not a typo)

So, I hope you, dear reader, do not judge too harshly.  Neither should I be let off the hook.  I need to be accountable for my actions.  Besides, you can check out my ass and know whether or not I’ve been cheating on my diet.  As we all know, you can’t hide a weight problem.  Even if I were “skinny” if I still obsess this much over food, I won’t keep it off. 

So, Food, really…. We need to break up already.  Again.  You are FUEL for the body, not food for the soul.  You are not a drug.  You are not a salve.  You will not rule my life.  Need to stay well proportioned in my plate and in my life.