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I am not saying that Midwestern Men don’t have their moments, because they do. Once you actually get them to notice you and with a great amount of subtle and not so subtle hints of your availability, they might ask you to their bedrooms to pleasure them, if it is not too much of an inconvenience, if they are not busy with work, hanging out with the guys or if a sporting event is on TV. If you meet those criteria, they are somewhat serviceable. And a good roll in the hay can even occur in a neat and tidy bedroom with central heat in the dead of winter. I'm not saying that men from other regions of the U.S. do not have certain skill sets and charm when it comes to romance. However, it has been my rather limited experience that Southern men take it to the next level. A Southern Man will sweep you off your feet “Gone with the Wind” style ala’ Clark Gable and you’ll never see it coming.
First is the pursuit. If a Southern man finds a girl he desires he will pursue her relentlessly. None of that “take it or leave it” bullshit men from other regions pull. ***By the way, men, we fucking hate that. Any woman who will put up with that shit gets what she deserves. But I digress** I had a man chat me up at a gas station and then literally chase me down a highway to get my number. As psycho as that sounds, it worked. And it worked because he was stupidly handsome, undeniably charming, and damn persistent. How could a girl say no? I had the choice to either pull over or call the cops. Either way, one of us was going to surrender.
The next thing is how they kiss. Oh my God, can Southern men kiss! Jesus Christ! I think I need a moment. I’m good, I’m good. Whew, just thinking about it makes me woozy. Now, I have fallen for a few Southern transplants in the North and I thought it was a fluke. Nope, all men from the South know how to kiss. If a man has spent at least a portion of his formative years in the South, he learned how to kiss. It as if they were all in on the same kissing seminar that they did not tell the Yankees, Midwesterners, or the West Coast-is. Can you blame them? I am not saying that they have the same technique. I have not kissed nearly enough men in the half a dozen or so states that claim to be “The South,” to prove this hypothesis, but I think i have enough data to make an educated guess on the matter. Southern men somehow learned to kiss with their whole mouths, nay, I say their entire being. They get so wrapped up in that kiss, so intent and single-minded of purpose that nothing distracts them from the kiss. I don’t know what they are thinking, because I know I lose my mind when they kiss me like that. Other guys when they have kissed me I can tell that they are just kissing to get to “the good stuff." Well, if the kiss isn't great, there will be nothing else. They kiss you like they would like to fast forward through this section like coming attractions on their favorite Adam Sandler DVD. Southern men take their time, like they got nothing else better to do than to kiss your mouth and make the two of you happy. Like Scarlett O’Hara, when you have been kissed by a Southern Man, you have been kissed, and kissed properly.
Ladies, do not get out your wallet, because a Southern Gentlemen will not allow you to pay, at least initially. He might be broke as hell and scrounging up coins from his pick-up to treat you to the dollar menu at McDonald’s but he is sure as hell going to pay. But be warned, just because he is shelling out big bucks in the beginning does not mean he’s loaded, it just means he is trying to win you over. Do not be fooled, but do go with it. Modern Southern men did get the memo that we can take care of themselves, but isn’t it sweet to let them try?
Southern Men are not so troubled with a little thickness, at least not all of them. I have heard some immature Midwestern men say that they might like a heavier girl for her personality, or might be genuinely attracted to her but won’t pursue her because he is afraid what his friends might say. Southern men do not give a shit about such things. Now, supremely obese is another matter, I am just talking a little extra. First of all, the South has a high besity rate seconded only by the Midwest, but they don’t seem to care. Down here, if you don’t like chubby girls, you don’t like girls. They all can’t bang the same skinny blonde at the bar all at the same time. And some of them like “something to hold on to.” Now, if a Midwestern man said that to me, I would be offended. Southern men will make reference to a woman’s weight, size, and body in general, but it is not meant derogatory, he is just “telling it like it is.” And believe me, if he is slapping that big ass of yours in a restaurant as you walk by, don’t be offended because you know he wants to tap it as soon as you two get home.
The South, in general, firmly believes in the “Lady on the street, Freak in the bed” phenomenon. This is the Bible belt and you can trip over churches down here. That does not mean they don’t like to fuck. They love it. Southern men (I imagine because I have not actually witnessed yet) love to get buck wild and then shower up, wash the pussy juice out of their beards from Saturday night and walk into church Sunday morning and shake the preacher’s hand with the same hand that was quite possibly elbow deep in pussy the night before. Knowing thier own nature, they can be possessive. They know what a wild cat you can be in bed and they DO NOT want to share. There are probably more bar room fights over a lady’s “honor” down here than in the Midwest. I imagine this occurs because they value the pussy, and the lady it belongs to, is worth fighting for.
Yes, they will treat you like a lady, they will hold open doors for you, and they will fight for you, but do not expect to be treated like an equal. And you better let go of having some kind of “agenda” on a date, because your Southern Man is just going to throw a wrench into those plans anyway. Just let it go and let them lead the way, at least initially. They secretly know that the woman is smarter and makes all the real important decisions anyway, but they like it that way. Don’t ruin their façade, ladies. It is all about manners and appearances. They want to seem like the “head of the family” but they know who the real boss is, but that doesn’t mean you have got to rub it in their face either.
And if all else fails: the near stalker-ish pursuit, the worship of your body, the wining and dining and picking up the check, his chivelous way he opens the door for you and defends your virtue, and the intentional, deliberate, mind blowing kissing does not work, they use their secret weapon that is natural as, well, talking. Their accents will really win you over. I know I love the way they call me “Baby” and “Darlin’." It just makes me weak. I can’t help it. Just understand that when a Southern man calls you “Sugar” that you are going to melt and get as sweet and drippy as honey. Just accept it and offer up a piece of that sweetness because he sure as hell earned it.
That is all I have to report on my observations of the mating rituals of the Southern Men. And I don’t even know their mating habits, only their making out habits thus far, but no one really cares about those findings. I am sure Albert Kinsey would hardly consider my little anecdotal evidence as scientific, but it is kind of funny and cute. AND IT'S A JOKE! Calm down.
+++By the way, men from other regions, you guys are great kissers… really… just… can you try a little harder?
+++++Did I mention that this is mainly a joke for humorous purposes? Relax. You are all hot, okay? *wink
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ReplyDeleteGuess it's different for Northern ladies than Norther men in dealing with the "Locals" (Southerners).
ReplyDeleteWhile Southern men may attempt to exude more charm in their wooing I would venture to say that Northern men are actually around for the long haul whereas a Southern man will only put up with so much BS before he cuts bait n runs.
But that's my opinion n its not sour grapes.
I think it's more of trying something you've never had.
Where a Northern man can woo the socks off a southern belle while a southern belle is used to her typical Bubba she just wants to try the Yankee for lack of having ever dated one.
And vice versus for Northern ladies and southern men.
We know the opposite sex we grew up with and socialized with; It's the new different breed from the new locality we haven't sampled. But who do we turn to once we've had our fill on something new n different?
Southern men are an enchanting novelty. I am sure it will wear on my nerves on time and I'll see through the drawl and the charm....eventually.
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