Life in 3D: The Best Antiseptic is Sunshine

I have some lighthearted observations on life in Florida, but right now I am going to talk about healing.

Sometimes you don’t know how much pain you’ve been until you are out of it.  Right now, I see how many things I filled my life with to avoid feeling the pain.  Now, all those distractions are gone and I see that I was just limping along, bleeding from the eyes.

I packed up everything I could not leave behind and my dog and left.  Very brave, exciting, surely that is the opening credits of some “good-ole’-girl-down-on-her-luck-pull-herself-up-by-her-bootstraps” kind of movie.  But really, it was hard and I cried, sobbed actually, when I finally pulled away from my old city.  I cannot articulate how heartbreaking it is that there was nothing holding me to my hometown of more than thirty years.

Okay, to be fair, I could have made it work.  I miss people up there in _____ more than I would have imagined and I think of you every day.  You know who you are. But I could not stay.  I just could not.

So now I am in sunny Florida.  Maybe it is just perception, maybe it is the more southern latitude, maybe the reflection off the sea, but the sun does seem brighter down here.  I wear sunglasses all the time.  And the sunset really is the most beautiful I have ever seen.  However, if you have no one to share it with, all that sun, sea, and sand is just taunting. 

I do have my family.  My Step-mom is due back soon.  We both need her.  Dad and I have been re-working our relationship.  I have not lived at home since I was nineteen.  More about this later.

So what has all this sun and family taught me?

Just today, even though I was married twelve years, my father observed that I am unaccustomed to living in a “family environment.”  I really am somewhat socially withdrawn.  I am not “asking” for a lot of help rather than a place to crash.  My father wants to help me more.  I don’t know how to ask. 

I have not been patient with myself on the job/friend issue.  I am so cautious.  I left ____ to get away from judgment, embarrassment, pity and the rejection of those that were close to me.  I feel reluctant to answer even the most simple of questions like “What brings you to Florida?”  Being that we live so close to a Navy base, people assume that my husband was transferred… if only, if only….  The second assumption is for a job.  Nope, not exactly.  I have some leads, but nothing is for real until you fill out a W-2.  My stock answer is “family” but if they know my Dad, they know that he in good health and not in need of care giving.  I can see it in their eyes, “What are you running from, Girl.”   

And I am willing to tell them anything but the truth: failed marriage, abandoned relationship, job situation a bit shaky, emotional state a bit shaky.  I was a mess.  I left it all behind. 

Remove the ex-husband, the ex-boyfriend, the job situation, the old friends, all of that is removed.  I have no “distractions.”  I feel like a failure and unlovable.  The thing is I would not date myself.  I am not working and I live at my Dad’s house.  I would not date myself.  So therefore, I should probably not be dating.  But I crave that attention in a way that quite dangerous and self-destructive.  I need the protection of my father’s house.  I just do.  Judge me if you will, but it has been a rough year.  Others have it worse, but this is about rock bottom for me.  If you are going to hit rock bottom, might as well be near sand.