Stupid Sh*t Men Have Said About My Body

I was so proud of myself that I had reached a certain fitness goal that I was being subjugated for my body, just like all the other girls.  Believe me, when you are really obese, you are invisible.  It is almost like the more space you take up, the less you are noticed.  I could go on, but that is depressing and I am trying to keep this funny and light, yet still make some kind of social commentary.

I share Gloria Steinem's opinion, "It's not that women mind being sex objects, it's just not the only thing they want to be."  I have a mind, a heart, and a body and all three need attention.  Once I got my body (more) into shape and a curvy hourglass is a shape, I noticed men noticing me.  I am still a big girl, but can still turn heads.   I do not perceive myself as "sexy."  I guess I am still in that "you have such a pretty face....if only...." mode that I have heard since about age eleven:  the idea that I am a pretty girl with a weight problem.  Be that as it may, and I am STILL working on it, there are segments of the male population that disagree with all those well-meaning family members, teachers, and other ineffectual adults.

So here is a list of comments men have made about my body.  Understand that these men did find me attractive (on some level) and wanted to date me... or something.  If the remarks were not made by a man who found me in some way.. um... enticing... I will annotate the source and still protect their identity, if necessary.  Not all of these are sexual in nature.  But many of them are funny, brutally honest, sweet, cute, or just outrageous.  Not even my body elicits a neutral response.   If there are **** it is because I have edited some portion of the quote.

 "You are the only one who doesn't think you're hot."  (need to give props to current bf.  He is so awesome)

"You are proportioned well."  WTF is that even supposed to mean?

"I gotta watch you walk.  You can hate me later."  I didn't hate him for it.  (wink)

"I love tall girls."

(Discussion with first "real" boyfriend.  This is a conversation of a naïve 19-year-old.)
Me: So, why me?  (that STUPID question girls ask why a guy would like them.)
Boy:  I thought you had nice legs.  (This blew my mind.  I thought that my legs were my worst feature.  But I did spend my entire freshman year and that summer losing weight and doing the latest fitness trend, Step Aerobics.  I guess I did have nice legs).

"You have great curves, just work on getting them more (makes gesture)....compact.  --- This was made by a girlfriend who has been amazingly supportive through my weight loss.  Love her!

"You are already hot.  Losing weight and working out will only make you hotter."  This statement from a guyfriend last year really jump started my weight loss and my new life.  He really woke me up from my "coma."  I had all the ingredients of a beautiful, healthy, competent, and sexy woman, I just had to access them and use them to my fullest potential.  I will forever be grateful to this man for waking me up.

"What, did you used to have a weight problem, or something?"  This is SOOOOOOOOOO hilarious!  Oh, on so many levels.  Like I used to have a weight problem but not currently.

"You have really lost weight.  Your boobs stick out more than your stomach now."  This was a comment made by a young and somewhat silly female personal trainer.

"I love your ass!  I want to send postcards to that ass."  This was complimentary, really.  He was not saying that just because my ass can qualify for its own zip code, he just thought it was... I don't know, in need of congratulations or something.  He was trying desperately to sleep with me, so I don't think it was condolence.

 (phone conversation with a potential blind date) Me: Just so you know, I'm not really petite. (total euphemism)
Man: Hey, will my arms fit around you?
Me: Well, of course.
Man: That is all I need to know.  (Wow, we women are hard on ourselves.  Really, that is what men really want.  I woman they can put their arms around.)

"That's what I see when I look at you, a pretty face and big boobs."

"Ahhh... Chanel Number Five.... That is what noses were made for."  This was also when I was a college freshman.  Okay, that was just a line, but it was cute.  I loved him; he didn't really love me back.  He just wanted me to write his papers.  Why couldn't he just use me for sex like a normal boy?

 (This was part of an IM exchange) Man: You have great legs and beautiful breasts.
Me: You know, if you would see me during daylight hours, you would also see that I have a great smile and a nice personality.
Man: Nope, can't get past the legs and breasts.
(This man was supposed to be a 'friends with benefits' situation.  At one point I asked him, "So, when does the 'friend' portion of this arrangement supposed to kick in?"   The "can't get past the legs and breasts" thing, I never spoke to him again.  He then called me a b*tch.  How dare I insist on conditions to access my body?)------This is also sooooo funny because it is like he doesn't know that my body is not the best thing I am bringing to the table.  To be seen only for my physical attributes I find SOOOO absurd.

"You have a great ass and decent tits."  Wow... what a smooth talker.  And only "decent"?

"You have such beautiful breasts.  You shouldn't cover them up."  This was said by an older classmate (he was probably about 21 or 22 tops) my freshman year of college.  To my memory, this is the first time any "man" saw me as a sexual being, or beautiful.  I think this moment I no longer saw myself as a little girl and instead a woman.  In context, it is not nearly as crude as it seems here.  In context, he was really encouraging me to be more proud of my body and realize my beauty.  Yeah, sure, he probably would not have minded if we slept together, but still, I think he was sincere.

Funny, the parts of my body I think are most beautiful, other than my face, men do not talk about.  I think I have a lovely neck, nice shoulder bones, and a cute little waist.  I also think I have nice hair.  Other women notice and even envy my hair.

I am sure I could think of more given enough time.  The most hilarious comment about my body is way too personal to post on FB, not that this hasn't already been embarrassingly revealing.  But I bare my soul, and my ass, for comedy and posterity sake. 

And I saved the best comment for last..... and is was from my ex-husband....

He said my Pussy is Pristine.

That can be taken in so many ways... which makes it so funny.  Was he referring to its general upkeep or that he barely touched it therefore can be auctioned on E-bay?  So many levels.