What I Learned from the Sea

I went to the beach with a heavy heart.  So full of sorrow that I thought the weight of my troubles would pull me down to the sea.  I thought the sun would be good for me, let it wash over me and that barely helped, so I jumped in the water.

So I went out into the Gulf.  The ocean was as warm and bubbly like soup.  I walked out deeper and deeper out in the water.  I thought of the book "The Awakening" by Kate Chopin where the character suffering from a similar condition of disappointment swam out into the sea without the intention of swimming back even though she was so proud of learning how to swim just that summer.  If I recall, it was even at the end of summer that she pulled this stunt.

I am not saying I am sucidal, so don't be calling any stress centers on my behalf, I'm just saying I know what it feels like to want to be welcomed into the open arms of the sea and feel its watery embrace and have water fill my lungs as hope had once filled my heart.

But instead of giving in, I stood my ground.  I walked out to the water was up to my shoulders and just let the waves come, just to see what it would feel like.  Funny thing about water and sand, it is in constant motion.  You cannot stay in one place.  When I tried, the waves crashed over my head and I got salt water in my eyes and choked a bit.  Salt water in the lungs, even just a little bit, stings like hell.  There is nothing romantic or literary about drowning.  Kate Chopin and her character are fools!

I looked across and I saw a woman about the same distance out as I was and she is just bobbing along.  And I ask myself why?  I am surely bigger and stronger than she is.  I am a great swimmer, I was just not trying.  She is calm and peaceful and I am being whipped around like a scarecrow in a windstorm, flopping around too scared and too stupid to get out of the weather, more scared than scary, but "holding his ground."

Or you could just let go and let the waves save your life.  (As the posted signs on riptides by the beach.)

So I let go.  I let my feet up and and just floated.  I found that if I just moved my limbs just a bit, by treading water with just the the minimal amount of effort I could stand my ground better than I could by standing.  Instead of fighting the sea, I danced wit it.  I let go, not swimming, not kicking or flailing, but just letting go.  I believe in myself and my ability to just float, to survive, I could make it.  And I could be in the sun, strong, and with just a little more effort, I could not only just stand my ground, but gain distance.

If only I didn't fight so damn hard. Stop fighting who I am because I am scared, because it is easy, because it is safe, because it is expected of me to underachieve and push away love because I feel like I don't deserve it.

I know this seems very dramatic and "exhausting the metaphor" but this helps me to write it. I hope it might help someone who might read it.

Don't fight the waves.